Saving the World & Mowing the Lawn

Following the dots in front of me,

and not seeing the line I’m making.

The fear of seeing your car.

Knowing that you are

right in front of me.

Talking about the things I lack

knowing the places I’m not going

and you’re always showing them to me.

You cry like it matters.

You cry like you care.

Your actions that follow don’t show the same.

Stop putting on this friendly face.

You’re the enemy even if you think you’re not.

When the apathy draws you further from the truth,

your reality is a great escape.

The deaths of many don’t mean much on paper.

Balance your checkbook and see if you can donate a dollar

to this grand mistake.

I can’t help but thinking that the judgment is calling us from the future

to our present to warn us of a terrible past. Yet, we do not answer.

Screening the calls, and leaving the phone to ring over and over till the battery goes dead.

They’re all dead. Just shake your head.

If only they could reach out. If only they were you!

In a land of plenty, its inaction comes in plenty.

Doesn’t the video footage look good on your new plasma?

Was the price the same as our leaders political cost?

Head or tails, finding change is always lucky.

Sitting here staring at this screen, life has found a new meaning. I’m always looking at things in a creative way. Looking at something that would make a good photograph or a good location for a certain scene in a certain film, but what gets me lost is translating those images and emotions they evoke into a sentence. Just a few simple words. I’ve written a LOT about my mistakes, but hardly ever the good stuff. Is it ironic that I hate how negative I find myself being? I wish I could change the world hitting this keyboard like a playing on a piano. Instead, staring at this screen trying to find the syllables in the words that’ll change the world leave no change and little progression in my world. Through all these poems and random ramblings, I’ve stated the path that is needed to be taken, but instead I look for more words like they’ll give answers. Making it on your. Becoming an adult. Growing up. There are so many around me that have taken these phrases to heart, but I’m lost in the prepositions. My arms are weak and these eyes are growing tired of the routine. When my job consists of counting and each day counts against me, I slowly slip into the monotony. Change. One word. Change. An action verb, but if no action is taken then it’s meaning is lost in the translation. I’ve been cold for too long. If you need a friend or someone to talk to, I want to be there. If you need a hand or someone to lean on, I want to be there. If you need to change, I want to be there. I want to be in the change you need. I want to be in the change.

Conversations with your Voicemail

If you ever start a sentence that way again,

this will be the last message I’ll ever send.

Pressing my thumbs in my eyes that I

may blind myself from your letters.

When a response is just the start

to an argument,

then my unbroken silence is my reply.

(Cue: Overused Cry)

Friends stand by you.

A hero in your heart,

but our hearts are most deceitful.

Devils stand by me.

A villain in your heart,

but remember your heart is most deceitful.

There are times when we must move on.

How can I do that when you’re still

holding on?

These are the lies that you’re

feeding yourself.

Denial is what you reach for in the shelf.

Memories can get you drunk and

you won’t remember it in the morning

that those memories fade into the grey.

I can’t be your friend today.

My plane has long since flown away

leaving you on the ground

trying to catch a cab to catch up.

Life has meaning.

My definition is not what yours is supposed to mean.

You won’t take comfort in the words

I give because they’re not the

words you want to hear.

Listen my dear, your excuses turn to anger to fuel

your flame that I only ignited.

Let go. Disconnect the chords

that have been cut for so long.

The responsibility has left me

because when I’m not involved,

how could I do you continuous wrong?

The options are all yours.

I hope you know.

These messages are like open sores.

These words are all I have to show

for the time was fun,

but those days are done.

Done.

You won’t take comfort in these words I give

because they’re still

the words you don’t want to hear.

For once, deny your thoughts.

Deny your heart.

Lend an open ear.

I was only trained for interior decorating

AHHHHH!!!!! Now that’s out, nope, never mind. I still don't feel better. Do you ever feel that you're not being yourself because you can be a much more likable person being someone else? “Just be yourself.” “Be true to yourself.” Those are great things, but when you’re surrounded by people that reject the person you’re trying to be true to it’s easier to give in, and be the person they like. Yes, I know that I said “it’s easier,” but for those people that think they have life completely figured out – you’re wrong. The whole attitude of “I know exactly what kind of person a good person should be and if you don’t follow these precise specifications, then I know that you’re not as good as me because I do!”

Once again, AHHHHH!!!!! Yes, this post is a soapbox, but I want to continue this. Recently, I came into confrontation with this personality. That person is right. You shouldn’t lie about or avoid a problem when you can simply just admit to the truth. You should stand firm for what you believe in and not give in. You should back the people you love without ever turning your back on them. Yes, those are all the right things to do, BUT our lives are not perfect. What happens when we fail? Should we play out the rest of our days based on the mistakes we make? NO!! I beg you no!

For me, I have done all of those things. Not a single one of them am I proud of. Since those mistakes were born, they have been neglected. Forgotten. What that person did not include in their attitude was forgiveness. If you cannot forgive, then you cannot be forgiven. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth? No, but if we demand so much from others around us, when we are not perfect ourselves, without forgiveness, then we are no better than the people we look down on. Ok, that’s out. Back to the other thing.

The past several months have served as a huge spiritual growth period. Not only spiritual growth, but overall maturity. Still, when I’m in certain situations I give up all that growth to put on the mask of pleasing. Lowering my ideals to make a good joke. There are times when I’ll do/say something and the minutes later I'll reflect on it with shame. I act like the jerk I’m not. I HATE THAT! I’m funny and popular, but rarely the man I want to be. Pray. Please pray for me to have strength. Please pray for yourself to have that same strength. Whoever you are – I love you. Hope that you pray for the day that we’ll be ourselves.

I'd also like to admit that walking your dog while drunk is the hardest thing in the world!!!

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

Once again, I've shared a bottle of cheap red wine with just me and the moon. I would like to thank God for music. It has truly saved me so many times. There's nothing better than just rocking out to your favorite tunes on the stereo. Not caring if the people in the car next to you hears you belting it out or if someone walks in on you doing a solo on the air guitar. That's what I see as happiness. Going over the material for the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and watching A LOT of One Tree Hill, I've been consently reminded that I am, in fact, single. HOWEVER(!), I am so blessed that I am! To think that I have could have centered my life around another person and disregarded what God has in store for me...well, I'm just excited to see where I'm going. Anyways, I'll just keep belting out my favorites tunes and keep praying for you. Wherever & whomever you are, I'm thinking about you and praying that you're happy. God bless you! Peace!

Enjoying Life's Simple Pleasures

Looking through the wine glass, everything seems a little hazy. Lately, my grandma has been in hospital and been talking about going to heaven. Well, she's been talking about that for what now seems forever. Anyways, I put on some Five for Fighting and "100 Years" and it really got me thinking about life in general. What would i tell myself if i could go back in time? What simple little phrases could i say to direct a naive young man to make the right decisions. What would you tell yourself??? Maybe I've had too much wine tonight, but the directions life takes us has been on my mind for awhile. I'll admit that it's easier to hide from all life's problems. To get into the habit of enjoying the easy way out, but will that make us happy in the long run.

Relationships, thats another subject on my mind. Why do we have to believe that in order to find true happiness we must find it another individual?? I won't deny that I've loved someone more than myself, and thats what a relationship must consist of, but to think that you can't be happy if that person isn't there in your life? That's just silly. But, then again I've had too much wine.

The main point I guess I'm trying to present is that I hope you really look at the motives behind your actions. To acknowledge what our true intentions are, whether or not we want to admit them. Like if you're staying at a job because it pays the bills, but it isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life. Or if you're staying in a relationship because you've been in it for awhile or the other person keeps you in it. For me, I've lived life not admitting why I was doing what I was doing it. To now finally see that in order to find peace in my actions that I must evaluate what my motives are. To see women at their true beauty, not just if they're hot or not. To look at my occupational choices at whether I want like doing them or if its just paying the bills. To be an example to those around me as a true man or if I'm just giving into the pressures of being liked and sacrificing my morals. With all that said, i'm going to bed. Good night! Oh, by chance, if Sara Bareilles is reading this, Will you marry me??

Inspiration

Each day that passes, the burden of life gets heavier. To think that some of the opportunities for life have already walked by, and now seem so distant. There are words that I've said, and more that I haven't that I would try to do differently. Also, there are some that I wouldn't change at all. With each desperate second, inspiration seems quite clear. Every image that I process, figuring it all out is very near. I want to be a man of fine character. A person you can trust, but my reputation is far from a trusty, clean slate. For those that have been abandoned, I was already lost. For those that were lied to, the truth lies within you. For those that were loving, only love will still save you. For those that are listening, I hope you don't make the same mistakes I do...

Life. Life begins and ends. If you leave life at that definition, then it seems pretty clear, but it's not. All that "stuff" between the beginning and end, which is the antonym of clear. Uncertain. Maybe. For some people, life has a clear direction and for others it’s quite cloudy. I look at where I’m at, and wonder where you are now? Traveling through my mental time machine, events that caused the decisions that led to the place where I’m at seem fuzzy. Sometimes I feel like Adam Sandler’s character on Reign Over Me, who rides around with his headphones blasting his favorite music in his ears to drown the memories that keep swimming to the surface. How many tears have I not cried? How many opportunities have I denied? There’s always love, right? I’m finding that is cloudy too. My heart has been given away to such irrational loves. Unguided, and lost in those immature moments, my “life” has been altered.

Of the many important things that Joshua Harris writes about in “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, his comments on the season of singleness is my favorite. He states that through defective dating we lose our focus for our lives. We lose our focus on God. Simply, we lose our focus. I lost mine, and the only thing I can focus on is trying to figure out when I went wrong. Still, where does that get me? Lingering over what happened during those days won’t stop the sun from setting again. The sun set before, and it will continue. Harris said this brilliant quote, “Don’t do something about your singleness. Do something WITH it!” I caught a little bit of the movie “Shall We Dance” and I heard a statement that many people probably argee with:

“We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

Reflecting over “life”, I hope that my future love doesn’t come with the motive of that statement. So for now, waiting isn’t a game, but a wonderful opportunity to learn. I’ve learned that waiting for “life” will only leave a reminiscent boy wondering why he waited, but some of life’s uncertainties require what waiting provides. Patience.

Minor Problems without Major Solutions

Tonight, I went to see a movie with some friends. When we left the theater, I accidently pulled out in front of a guy that going faster than I realized. Not that what I did endangered either one of us or our vehicles because the only harm done was that he had to slow down to 30mph. Apparently, that was enough to tick him off. Not only did he stare us down as he drove next to us to try and scare us, but he followed me as well. That is so sad (and very creepy) that just because of a small error this person's anger was enraged. Why are we so hostile?? We have everything we need to be more than happy but instead people in our society are more than ready to get pissed over something. Its not just road rage, but everywhere. America, I don't want to bust your precious little bubble, but actually I would if i didn't think that you'd get pissed to the point of showing your teeth.

Set the Sun Where You Want It

A friend and I were talking recently about sunsets. She said that she always wanted to take sunset pictures on a regular basis and make some sort of sunset collage with them. That made me think, what would all my sunsets look like? Would they be beautiful like the one in this picture or would they just fade out into the darkness of the night? Looking at where my life is right now, I'm afraid that my collage would just be a grey piece of paper. That's going to change. Some people find their happiness in love. Some people find it in monetary success. Some people find it living in the moments. What will I find it in? Will my final sunset look as if the color spectrum cried in the sky? Whatever it ends up being, I've made up my mind that I won't leave it to be a dream that one day I'd wish i could rewind.

Brush my teeth
so my words come out clean.
Does it even matter
when you're always
have the right
answer?
Write your answer
down before I
speak and we'll
see if you
change your
mind.

Instant Karma

I can't get this music player to work, but
"Instant Karma: THE AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL
CAMPAIGN TO SAVE DARFUR"
has been released. The album has many great modern artists covering all the classic John Lennon songs. PLUS, when you buy the album you are not only raising awareness on the genocide in Darfur, but giving money to support aid for that suffering region! This is a fantastic cause, so if you can pick up the album or buy some of the songs on iTunes! LET'S END THIS TRAGEDY!!!!

Where do you see this going?

It's hard to believe where I've ended up. Not to say that its bad. I should be very content. As far as worldly things go, I have it made. Loving parents who let me live under their roof, without paying rent, even though I'm 22. Thank God for that otherwise would be really broke! To sum up the rest, food, water, car, clothes, and the many, MANY things we take for granted. However, what has left me sad is where I've led myself. Taking the pilot's seat of my life without having a license has me crashed on this island. I'm tired of living this life. Suicide is what i have left. Not to die, but to kill the selfish man living in me. Please pray for me. That is a selfish request, but its not the only thing i ask. First, look at what you are, and is this what I wanted to become??

Good to be back...wherever back is

I'm Ready. Way too many seconds have pasted, and here i am. If there is anyone who actually reads this, i'm trying to figure out how to import my notes from facebook so i don't have to do alot of work. Which of course i'm going to take the easy way out. However, instead of writing on here once a year i PLAN on keeping this updated weekly (at the least). So from here till there, i'll be back. Back right here.